


Bound to Happen

by underthegreensward



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-31
Updated: 2013-04-07
Packaged: 2017-11-27 16:47:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/664233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/underthegreensward/pseuds/underthegreensward
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Emily tells Paige that she doesn't want to be her secret, they have a competition in Pittsburgh where they can't avoid each other.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Slinging her bag over her shoulder, Paige shuts the trunk of her dad's car and walks towards the bus. One weekend in Pittsburgh and a big competition lie ahead of her. To be honest, if the competition wasn't so important for her potential scholarships, she'd gladly stay at home. It would be easier. She could avoid the world there. She could avoid Emily there.

Her dad puts a hand on her shoulder and pulls her closer. "Go and make me proud." he says with a squeeze of her shoulder and a kiss against her head. Paige nods and hugs him back shortly before letting go. She hands her bag to the driver, who stashes all the bags into the trunk, and climbs into the bus.

She sits down somewhere in the middle, scooting to the window, placing her jacket on the other seat. Five hours are long, she can't just avoid anyone who might sit down next to her for the entire trip. What she can do is keep everyone away. It's what she does.

* * *

Twenty minutes later everyone is finally settled and the driver starts the engine. As soon as they reach the highway, Coach Fulton turns on the speaker. "Listen up, girls! You probably noticed, we got a bigger bus, because the one we were going to get broke down. I assume you have no problem with that?" A collective 'No' sounds through the bus.

"Good. The drive is going to take about five hours, but we have to take some breaks, so we'll arrive in about six hours. You'll only have time to bring your stuff to your rooms before we are going to eat something, so you'll have to unpack after that. We have six twin rooms and one single room that I'll be sleeping in."

Paige rolls her eyes. Stupid rooms. She just hopes whoever she has to share with leaves her alone. The coach rambles on about the last practice and the importance of this competition, but the words reach Paige as dull and hollow sounds as she peaks through the gap between the seats. The other girls sit a few rows back and she lets her eyes flit over them.

They are all whispering and grinning and look way to happy for Paige's liking. She wants to turn back again, when her eyes find Emily and stay there. She sits alone, her long black hair framing her face as she looks down, tapping away at her phone. She's probably texting that blondie Samara.

Paige can feel the jealousy crawl under her skin. Jealousy she isn't supposed to feel. That she doesn't want to feel. After all, there is nothing between them. Not anymore. Emily made that pretty clear.

And now it feels like a punch in the gut every time Paige sees her. A punch of guilt, disappointment, regret and anger.

It's gnawing at Paige's insides, the chance she had and messed up. It tears her apart, because she knows what would make it all right again and that she isn't brave enough to do that. And Emily left her. She didn't wait.

Becky Graham taps her shoulder from behind and Emily turns around, talking and laughing with her.

Tearing her eyes away, Paige swallows heavily and sinks down in her seat. She'll be fine. She just has to find someone nice to share her room with. Then she will just concentrate on swimming and ignore the rest. Just like she always does.

Leaning her head against the window, she closes her eyes and wishes everything away.

* * *

She's in that weird state between sleeping and being awake. Her thoughts circle around and around without start, without destination. Her dad is standing in front of her, his back turned to her. When she walks towards him, he turns around and pushes her away. Stumbling, she feels a pang in her chest. Her hands reach for something, anything. Emily is there, walking away as Paige reaches out for her.

She hears Emily's laugh and feels herself falling. Her body jerks up and she's awake.

* * *

It's not like she wants to hear what the other girls are talking about, but she forgot to charge her iPod and sleeping isn't an option either. They already covered make up and nails and spent the last twenty minutes discussing whether pants or skirts look better.

Paige finds herself listening whenever Emily says something, her voice stinging, but she can't stop herself from wanting to hear it.

The conversation moves on to boys and relationships and she rolls her eyes. Three more hours of this. Maybe falling asleep again wouldn't be so bad after all. She sinks further down into her seat and tries to relax. Her eyes drift shut, the voices still reaching her. She doesn't know how long she sits like that. It could have been five minutes or an hour, but when someone mentions Emily, it doesn't matter and she's wide awake again.

"So, Emily, what about you? Someone new in your life?" Paige feels her throat swelling up, her fingers twitching. "Nope." A weight falls from her chest, only to crush her again. "Then why are you blushing?" She tries to swallow her feelings, to push them deep down or to just not care at all. "There might be someone." Her stomach twists and breathing seems impossible. So much for not caring.

There are 'Aww's and 'How cute!'s and Paige thinks she might throw up. "It's nothing big, I just met her." The bus stops and Coach Fulton announces a toilet break. She curls into herself and feigns sleep as some of the girls walk by, her arms crossed, hands twisting into her own shirt.

* * *

When they arrive, everyone hurries outside, talking and giggling. Paige walks behind them, keeping her distance. The hotel lobby is full of people, bustling about, the sound of luggage being dragged around louder than the chatter of everyone.

The Coach gets their attention, clapping her hands and raising her voice. The sounds fade and everyone listens to her. "Okay, girls! You have ten minutes to go to your rooms. We will meet here and then we're gonna grab a bite."

Before she knows it, everyone is gone and she is left in silence. "So, looks like you two are sharing a room. I think this might be good for you." Paige frowns at Coach Fulton's words and turns to her right. Her bag slips from her grasp and hits the floor. Emily is standing in front of her.

The only sound is her own heart racing.


	2. Chapter 2

There is not a single word spoken between the two of them. After practice, Paige swims a few extra laps to escape the tension. When she arrives at their room, she stops in front of the door. Number 118. She swallows heavily before she puts her fingers around the handle, slipping her key card in with the other hand.

Greeted with the sound of running water, she exhales. Emily is still in the shower. Throwing her bag onto her bed, Paige sits down next to it. The water stops running and seconds later the bathroom door opens. Emily steps out, a towel wrapped tightly around her naked body. Little droplets of water run from her hair, down her neck and Paige has to tear her eyes away.

Out of the corner of her eye she can see Emily stopping for a second. "Oh. I didn't realize you were back." Without looking away from the ceiling, Paige mumbles "Yeah, I just came back." Emily walks back into the bath, only to come out with a bottle of lotion in one hand, the other holding her towel up.

"You can use the bathroom, if you want." Taking a quick glance at her, Paige gets up and gathers her stuff. With a mumbled "Thanks." she slips inside and closes the door. Pulling her shirt over her head, she exhales shakily. This really isn't gonna work.

Just as she's about to step out of her pants she hears Emily opening the door to their room and the muffled voice of someone that's not Emily reaches her ear. It sounds like Becky. "Hey, we want to sneak out later, are you gonna come with us?"

Please say yes, please say yes, please say y-. "Sorry, I really need to sleep. Maybe tomorrow?" Paige has to hold her breath to hear Becky's answer. "Okay. What about Paige?" She swallows hard. "I don't know. You can ask her yourself, she's in the bathroom."

There's a knock on the door. "Paige? Are you gonna come with us? We're sneaking out later." Shaking her head, it takes a moment for Paige to realize that Becky can't see that. "N-No, I'm... I- I'm gonna go to bed early. Tomorrow is important."

Becky sighs dramatically. "You guys are lame. Have fun at your slumber party." Emily's laughter rings in Paige's ears. "Don't get too drunk!" A "Yeah, yeah." makes its way through the wall before the room door slams shut. Then, everything is silent.

Taking several deep breaths, she waits for Emily to say something, but nothing happens. Paige strips off her clothes and turns on the shower. The hot water could also be freezing, she wouldn't notice. Emily is sitting right outside the door, so she fights the urge to sink to the floor and cry.

Instead, she rests her head against the cold, wet tiles as the water runs down her back. It's hard not to think about how Emily stood in the exact same spot, just as naked as she is now. They are a few feet away from each other, but it feels like there's a wall between them.

She shuts the water off and grabs her towel. Rubbing it over her thighs, she notices the faint lines, thin and barely there. She remembers when they were red and angry and the only thing she would notice looking at herself. It would be so easy to take a blade just one more time and-

She doesn't dare to finish that thought. Her hands grip the towel, clenching into fists as she presses her eyes shut and tries not to scream. She promised herself that it's never going to happen again and the mere thought of it makes her hate herself even more. It makes her hate Emily and the silence and the world.

Leaving the bathroom in her pajama, she sees Emily sitting on her bed, phone in hand, typing away with a frown. The only light comes from the small lamp on Emily's nightstand. Paige walks to her own bed and crawls beneath the covers, turning to face the wall.

* * *

Paige has no idea what time it is. She is still awake, listening to Emily breathing, staring into the darkness. It's way too late and she needs to rest. But she can't. Shifting to lie on her back, a frustrated sigh escapes her mouth and she closes her eyes.

"Paige?"

Her eyes snap open wide. Everything is quiet. She didn't imagine that, did she? Holding her breath, Paige waits. Nothing happens. She turns to the wall again and swallows her tears.

* * *

The smell of chlorine makes her feel better. She doesn't know when she finally fell asleep or for how long she slept, but judging from the bags under eyes it was far from enough. Emily looks like she didn't sleep much either, although she had already left when Paige woke up.

The rest of the team is sitting on the bleachers and the Coach pulls her and Emily aside.

"Girls, you two are our best swimmers and I am counting on you. We didn't come here to lose in the first round. Paige, you're up for the 100m freestyle, Emily, you signed up for the 50m breaststroke. You both have a good chance to reach the finals, but I want you to focus on the team for now. After that, all your attention has to be on those, but the team comes first. We need you. Got it?"

Paige nods. It meant talking to Emily, but she would take one for the team. That's what a good captain does, right?

"Good. I trust you to deal with those zombies over there." She turns around to look at their team and is close to losing all hope for a win. Becky is holding her face in her hands, leaning on her elbows, Morgan Welk is resting her head against Becky's shoulder and everyone looks like they're about to drop into a coma.

She huffs as her eyes scan over the hungover sharks. "I'm not here to lose and I know you aren't either. But we both know that we're not good enough to win without them." Emily says without looking over. Paige risks a short glance at her. "You're right. Do you have a plan?" She sees Emily nod. "Yeah." with that, Emily struts towards the bleachers.

"Okay, girls, who is ready to kick some ass?" She gets a few groans and some unenthusiastic fist pumps as answer. "That's what I thought." Paige frowns. If that was Emily's plan, they were screwed. "You do know that if we lose today, we're gonna go home today?"

Becky's head shoots up. "Wait, what? We can't do that!" Emily looks at her. "Why not?" Pushing Morgan off her shoulder, Becky stands up. "I met this really cute guy yesterday and promised to meet him tonight. We _need_ to win!"

Paige can't help the smile crawling up her face. Emily knows what she's doing. She looks at the the other girls, who all seem to be awake now. Her attention is grabbed by Morgan, whose eyes are fixated on something across the room.

"Hey, Becks, isn't that the girl who spilled her drink all over me?" Following Morgan's stare, Becky squints. "Yes, that's her." Jumping up as well, Morgan curls one hand into a fist. "I'm gonna push that bitch into the pool. She didn't even apologize."

"Or you could just kick her ass. What do you think would be worse? Her falling into the pool she has to get in anyway or her losing and having to go home?" Paige asks. Morgan looks at her, too stunned to say anything. After a moment of complete silence, she says: "You're right, Becks; we _need_ to win!"

Suddenly they're all talking and clapping, pushing each other on. In all the mess and noise, Paige meets Emily's gaze with just the faintest smile on both their faces.

The sound of a megaphone startles them and they look away. Everyone starts walking to the pool, Coach Fulton yelling "Okay girls, get ready, we're up next!". She takes a deep breath, twirling her goggles around her finger.

Standing on the platform, she waits for Morgan's hand to hit the wall beneath her. When it does, she darts into the water, moving through it like she was born to do so. She wants to win. She needs to. Her feet push her off the opposite wall and she puts all her strength into the last strokes.

She reaches the end and hands reach for her before she even tries to get out of the pool. She's pulled into someone's arms, more and more following, the words "We did it! We're in the final round!" coming from somewhere.

* * *

The 100m freestyle wasn't a challenge at all. She had to wait for what felt like an eternity, but when she finally started, she won by a landslide. Emily was announced as winner of the 50m breaststroke about two hours ago, so Paige assumes she already left.

Dragging herself back to their room, she doesn't know whether to dread or anticipate Emily's presence. They talked, after all. Opening the door, Emily is nowhere to be found. She doesn't know why, but her shoulders slump down with disappointment.

Slipping into the bathroom, she takes a quick shower, washing off all the chlorine. Maybe she just imagined Emily smiling at her. She probably did, it would have been too easy otherwise.

Paige climbs into her sweats and wrestles a shirt on, before flopping down onto her bed, closing her eyes. Nothing is ever easy for her, she thinks and falls into a dreamless sleep.

* * *

She wakes up feeling like her head is going to explode. When did it get so hot in here? Fighting off the blanket, Paige sits up. She runs her hands over her face and through her hair, swinging her legs over the side of the bed.

Her eyes blink open slowly, falling onto Emily's empty bed. Closing them again, she opens and closes her mouth. It tastes like she napped for way too long. She gets up to brush her teeth, stumbling towards the sink.

Looking at herself in the mirror, she wonders where Emily might be and why she still cares. The room door opens and she hears hushed voices. Paige spits into the sink, putting her brush on the counter and walks out of the bathroom.

"Oh hey, there you are!" Becky says. "We thought you were still asleep. Do you wanna go out with us today?" Sitting down on her bed, she reaches for her phone. It's already 10 pm. "Come on, you have to celebrate! We kicked some serious ass!"

She looks over to Emily, who is digging through her bag. Maybe this is what she needs. To give herself a break from her thoughts. Nodding hesitantly, she turns her head to Becky. "Okay, I'll come with you. Just give me a minute."

Becky sends her a wide smile. "Awesome! I have to go get something, so, meet you two in half an hour?" Paige nods again. The door closes and she glances at Emily, hoping it was the right decision to agree.


	3. Chapter 3

It's really loud and there is alcohol everywhere. Becky's date or whatever turned out to be a college student and he took them to some frat party. They are definitely the youngest here, Paige thinks as she looks around the room.

She is sitting on a bar stool, a cup of something in her hand, observing people. Emily, Morgan and some of the others are dancing in the middle of the room, Emily's laughter making its way to Paige every now and then.

Whatever she is drinking must be pretty strong, because her head is already buzzing after the second cup. Not that she minds.

Becky and that guy are making out against one of the walls and Paige is trying her best not to gag.

Some people are playing beer pong and the faint chanting of "Drink, drink, drink!" comes from another room. The music that is blasting from the speakers is terrible and everyone is talking about stuff she doesn't care about, but at least she isn't alone with the silence.

She gets up because her cup is empty. Wandering through the room, she has to dodge people's arms and legs and a shoe that comes flying her way, until she finally reaches the table with the drinks. There's rum and vodka and whiskey and Paige is sure she's never seen so much alcohol.

The only drink she knows is rum and coke, so she reaches for the rum and pours some into her cup. When she grabs the coke, someone walks up beside her, snagging the bottle from her as soon as she's finished.

Paige turns around and leans against the table. Her eyes find Emily again, still dancing with Morgan. She lifts the cup to her mouth and gulps down almost half of its content.

A hand sneaks around her waist. Looking down at it, she follows the arm that is attached to a girl she doesn't know.

"She's pretty." Her body tenses and she almost crushes her cup. She pushes the arm around her waist off, but doesn't walk away. "But not as pretty as you are."

The 'No' almost slips off her tongue. Nothing is prettier than Emily. Instead she takes another sip of her drink. She can't say that. Not here, not to a stranger, not in public. She doesn't even want to think it. But she does.

"I'm serious." The hand she just pushed away now trails down her arm, the girl's voice dropping as she whispers "You're way hotter." into Paige's ear.

Turning towards the girl, Paige musters her. She's small and blonde and pale, everything that Emily isn't. It would be easy to give in, to lean into the touch and the girl.

She feels wanted and maybe somewhere else, at another time she would give in. She downs the rest of her drink and pours herself another one. "Come and dance with me!"

Her head turns to the dancing crowd and she sees Emily storming out of the room, phone pressed to her ear and hears herself say "Excuse me."

She doesn't know why, but she follows Emily outside.

* * *

Paige slowly walks behind her, shivering slightly in the cold air. "Okay, just... be careful, Spence. I'll call you tomorrow. Bye." Emily hangs up and crosses her arms over chest. "Is everything okay? I just... You looked worried and I..." She has no idea what she's doing. Emily turns around, her face still filled with worry. Nodding, she stuffs her phone into her bag. "Yeah. Yeah, everything is fine."

Paige nods and doesn't move. The silence is back and it's the last thing she wants.

"Listen, I was-"

"I think we-"

They both start and stop at the same time. "You go first." Emily takes a step in her direction. "I think we need to talk." Reaching for the necklace she isn't wearing, Paige swallows heavily. That's what she wanted, right?

She looks right at Emily and smiles just the tiniest bit. "I think you're right. I'm sorry for screwing up." Emily steps even closer, shaking her head. "No, you didn't. I did. I shouldn't have been so harsh and impatient. I want to apologize for that."

Letting her head fall forward, Paige smiles at the ground. "It's okay, you don't have to. I get it.", she says, looking up again. "But I want to. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have pushed you. I know what it is like and I acted like an idiot. Leaving you was the worst thing I could've done. I'm sorry."

Paige shakes her head. "It's fine. Really. It kinda was my fault." Emily sounds frustrated when she speaks again. "Don't say that. It wasn't you-" She doesn't let her finish. "Let's just call it even? Fresh start?"

Grinning, Emily nods her head. "I'd like that." Their eyes meet and that's it.

"Friends?"

"Yeah, friends."

The silence that follows feels different, comfortable, peaceful. Like she is able to breathe again.

"So, what are you drinking?" Paige lifts her cup and stares at it. "Uhm, rum and coke, I think." Laughing, Emily shivers. "You think?" She holds the cup in front of Emily's face. "Yeah, I don't know. It definitely has coke in it though." Emily takes a tentative sip and shudders. "That's pretty strong." Shrugging, Paige drinks some of it herself. "I like it."

It looks like Emily is trying to keep her teeth from chattering, her lips already turning blue. "We should go inside, it's freezing." She gets a thankful smile and a nod from Emily. As she holds the door open for her, she thinks that some things are easy, even for her.

* * *

The way back to the hotel is cold and longer than it seemed when they left. Morgan and Becky are the only ones who were still there with them and now they are both laughing loudly, walking in front of her and Emily. Although she's not sure if you can still consider that 'walking'. It's more like stumbling and swaying.

She isn't doing much better, but she still knows where she is going. "I have no idea how we're going to shut them up later." she hears Emily say as Becky begins to sing at the top of her lungs. "We could just leave them outside. It's not like they're going to find a way inside." Emily laughs and Paige feels her heart swell. She knows it really shouldn't, but she doesn't know how to stop it.

"That's really mean, Paige." Emily's words come out slurred and with the biggest grin Paige has ever seen. "Then we'll have to find another way." Morgan twirls around herself and shouts "Paige, Emily, look at me! I'm a ballerina!" before losing her balance. Becky is fast enough to catch her, almost falling herself.

"Morgan is kind of creepy like that. I don't think I've ever seen her talk to anyone but Becky." She can see Emily nod, opening her mouth to say something, but Morgan stumbles towards a tree, leans over and starts throwing up, Becky on her heels to hold her hair back.

They wait next to them and Emily digs around in her bag for some tissues. Paige buries her hands in her pockets, trying to think of something to keep her warm, when Emily links their arms and presses herself against Paige's side. "Why is it so freaking cold?"

She doesn't know if it's the thoughts or the alcohol, but suddenly she doesn't feel cold anymore. Standing in the cold air, the smell and sound of someone puking surrounding her, she is happy for the first time in weeks.

* * *

Morgan is really quiet after that, keeping Becky from getting loud again. Emily leaves her arm slipped through Paige's the entire walk back.

At least until Morgan needs help walking and Emily holds her up.

Getting to Becky's room was no problem, but their own room seems so far away and she trips over her own feet, catching herself just before she hits the floor. Emily laughs up, before she clasps her hand over her mouth to keep herself quiet.

Even muffled the sound of her laugh warms Paige's heart and she can't help but laugh along. They struggle with the door, giggling and pushing each other, until they look up to see the blue numbers 116 on it.

Bursting into more giggles, they stumble to their own door and Emily misses the slot for the key card several times before it slides in and the door opens.

As soon as they are inside and Paige has closed the door again, their giggles turn into loud laughs. Emily sits down on her bed, slowly calming and Paige takes a seat next to her. The laughter dies down and she can hear the wind outside the window.

Turning to her left, she smiles at Emily.

"I'm really glad we're friends again." Emily smiles back softly.

"Me too."

The glow of the streetlights that shines through the window makes Emily look even more beautiful and she lifts her hand to stroke a strand of hair out of Emily's eyes.

And then she's leaning in. Emily meets her halfway, covering Paige's lips with her own. Her eyes close and her hands tangle in Emily's hair. She should stop, she shouldn't have started, but she doesn't care.

Emily's tongue slides along her bottom lip and she lets go of Emily's hair, gripping her waist instead. She is sure there is nothing that feels, tastes, _is_ better than kissing Emily. Pressing her down onto the bed, her lips never leave Emily's.

She crawls on top of her and forgets everything. Just for a second, she breaks away to look at Emily. Her eyes flutter open and she pushes herself up to reach Paige's mouth again.

It's soft and slow, careful like always. Their tongues meet and Emily tugs at Paige's shirt, pulling it over her head, separating them for way too long. Emily's fingers drag along her arms and down her back, stopping at the bra clasp. Nodding into the kiss, she feels her breath hitch as it snaps open, the straps sliding off her shoulders.

She shrugs out of it, bracing herself on one arm. Her other hand sneaks down to the hem of Emily's jeans, trying to open them. The lips on hers move to her neck and she forgets how zippers work. Flipping them over, Emily takes her own shirt off, her hands dropping to Paige's, opening her pants. Before she can pull them down, Paige intertwines their fingers and pulls Emily to her lips.

Kissing Emily, she lets go of her hands and rests her own on the small of Emily's back, digging her fingers into the soft skin there. Emily's hands move to Paige's jeans to unbutton them, her kisses trailing down Paige's neck.

Emily's breath feels hot against her skin and she can hear herself gasp when still cold fingers brush against her stomach. She slides her hands lower, hooking one finger through Emily's belt loop, and tries tugging them down, but Emily makes her way down her body, grazing her breast and belly button with her nose, before pulling first Paige's, then her own pants off.

She wants more, needs more and Emily is too far away, so Paige sits up and grabs Emily's waist to pull her into her lap, kissing her everywhere as soon as she can reach. Her boobs press against Emily's, the only thing separating them the thin fabric of Emily's bra.

A hand cups her face and guides her lips to Emily's. Nothing has ever felt so good, so warm, so... _right_. She turns and lays Emily down again, but doesn't stop kissing her. She can't. Emily could change her mind, could stop, could leave.

Slipping her thigh between Emily's, she moves against her. It feels like she can't be close enough and when Emily moans into her mouth, nails scratching lightly at her back, she doesn't hold back any longer. She presses herself down onto Emily's leg, sucking on a soft bottom lip, their hands tangling together.

She can feel herself spiraling higher and higher, barely able to keep on kissing Emily, but it's not enough. One hand sneaks down Emily's body, hesitating at the hem of her panties, waiting for Emily to say something. She doesn't, she only kisses her harder and Paige takes that as a yes.

Her fingers tremble just the slightest bit, brushing over soft, hot skin. She drops her forehead to Emily's and inhales deeply. She lets her hand slide lower and Emily arches into her, whimpering a soft "Please".

Covering Emily's lips with her own again, she slips one finger inside, her heart beating loudly. Emily grips her back and gasps, moving with Paige. Rubbing circles with her thumb, she loses her rhythm when Emily's hand drifts to her ass, beneath her underwear and to her front. Her lips miss Emily's and meet her ear with a moan.

"Don't stop. Please don't stop.", Emily whispers into her cheek and she starts moving again, a second finger joining the first. Moans leave her mouth as she kisses along Emily's neck, the feeling in her stomach tightening as she rocks against Emily's hand.

And then Emily shudders and arches her back, one hand digging into Paige's back, the other pressing up hard. She can hear the blood rushing through her ears as she shakes with Emily, all the built up tension collapsing, her hand still moving.

They both slow down, and she falls on top of Emily, burying her face in Emily's neck. Emily removes her hand from between them and hugs Paige to her, dragging one hand up and down her spine.

Tracing Emily's hip bone with her thumb, Paige listens to the sound of their heavy breaths until her eyes fall shut.


	4. Chapter 4

Paige shivers in the cold air of the room. She curls in on herself, wondering where the covers are when her knees bump into something soft and warm. Her eyes shot open and she remembers why she is cold, naked and lying next to Emily. She fucked up again, just like she always does.

Emily seems fast asleep, wrapped tightly into the blanket, lying on her stomach, hair sprawled around her head. Sitting up, Paige presses a hand to her aching head and looks at Emily. This shouldn't have happened.

She could easily lift one hand to brush Emily's hair to one side and lean down to kiss her shoulder and her neck, cuddling into her warm body and fall asleep again. But she doesn't. She gets up and crosses one arm over her bare chest, picking up clothes with the other hand.

Throwing her clothes into her bag, she fishes around in it for fresh ones, trying to make as little noise as possible. She can't face Emily now. She can't face her ever again.

The door to the bathroom squeaks as she opens it and slips inside. Just before Paige shuts it, she hears sheets rustling, followed by Emily sighing and she catches herself praying for Emily to not wake up. Holding her breath, Paige doesn't dare to move until everything is quiet again.

When it is, she should feel relieved, but she doesn't. The only thing she feels is guilt. Guilt that slowly crawls into her brain to settle there, because she kissed Emily last night. Because she _slept_ with Emily. Because she never knows when to stop.

Paige slips on a shirt and leans onto the sink. Looking at herself in the mirror, her eyes find a mark on her neck. It's about the size of Emily's mouth and slightly blue. She lifts her hand and starts rubbing furiously, but she only makes it worse.

Of course she does. It's all she ever does and she hates herself for it.

She turns the water on and splashes some in her face, pushing hot tears down. What is she going to do now? Pressing her face into a towel, she releases a shuddering breath and tries to swallow the lump in her throat.

Turning the water off again, Paige pulls on her sweats and inhales deeply. She doesn't dare to look in the mirror again, instead she opens the door and steps into the room again.

Emily is lying on her side, one arm stretched across the space where Paige had slept, her fingers clutching the bed sheet. Feeling her heart sink, she tries to tear her gaze off of Emily. Why can't she do anything right?

She walks towards the door, glancing back at Emily one last time before walking out.

* * *

Her stomach is turning at the smell of food, a full plate sitting in front of her. Looking at it doesn't help, but she knows she has to eat something. She pokes around in her scrambled eggs and tries not to think of last night or tomorrow or Emily.

The eggs taste salty and Paige grimaces as she forces herself to chew and swallow them. Her mind goes back to last night and everything feels heavy. She would like to run, to get away from all of this, but she can't and she doesn't know why.

Shoving her plate away, she buries her face in her hands and fights the tears again. She has never felt worse. Not when Alison was still alive, not when the blade slid into her skin, not when she was lying on a street, the rain pouring down on her, and she hoped for the darkness to keep her. Not when Emily left her at the festival, in front of everyone.

Her thoughts are spinning, running and stumbling before they fall. There's no way out. She presses the heels of her hands into her eyes and exhales shakily.

She has no clue for how long she's been sitting like this when someone calls her name.

"McCullers! Why are you still sitting here? The final round starts in thirty minutes!" She looks up and Coach Fulton is standing next to her table. Paige's mouth opens, but she doesn't know what to say.

"Paige? Are you okay?" No, she's not, but her head nods on it's own. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just kinda tired.", she says, trying to smile. "Well, you better wake up now if you wanna win." Nodding again, she gets up, dragging her bag out from under the table.

* * *

Her toes curl around the edge of the platform as she waits for the siren to go off. When it does, she shoots into the pool and swims. Swims away from it all, the guilt, the mistakes, Emily. Everything is easier in the water.

She glides through it, reaching the wall for the fourth time, and grips onto the edge. There is a lot of cheering and she's pulled out of the pool again. "You won, Paige! And you set a new record!" She should feel happy, but through all the hugs and congratulations she sees Emily standing a few feet away. She looks as lost as Paige feels, dark circles beneath her reddened eyes.

Paige wants to disappear forever.

* * *

They got in at second place. Which is actually good and nobody was really mad, but Morgan kept apologizing for slipping off the platform and losing a second, even after Coach Fulton told them she was more than pleased and sent them to pack their bags.

Paige takes her time when she changes out of her swimsuit, when she stuffs it into her bag and when she walks to back to the hotel room. Her heart is pounding and her hands are sweating as she grabs the handle and slides the key card in. This situation feels way too familiar.

Emily doesn't notice her or doesn't want to notice her and Paige gets why she wouldn't. Without saying a word, she sets her swimming bag down and starts packing, her back to Emily. She didn't think it was possible, but the silence is even worse now.

"Paige?" Her heart stops for a second before it starts racing and she wants to say something, but her brain is empty. She doesn't answer.

"Paige." She can't look at Emily. Stuffing her clothes into her bag, she pushes a "What?" out that sounds more annoyed than anything.

"We need to talk about this." Avoid her, maybe she'll stop. "About what?" Her hand clenches in the shirt she's holding, her heart still racing. "About last night." She tries to take a deep breath, to calm down. "Why?" It sounds harsh.

"Because we slept together. We had sex, Paige. And I don't know about you, but I think it's something we should talk about."

She lets the shirt drop into the bag and turns around. "Why? Because it changed things? It didn't, Emily. We were drunk. We had sex. That's it." Her voice gets louder and Emily's frown bigger. "Really? You're doing it again? Acting like it never happened? Because it did, Paige. And I'm not gonna forget about it this time." She can feel the tears coming again and curls her hands into fists. "I'm doing it again because it doesn't change anything. I'm not ready to come out and you don't want to hide. And the last time we ignored that, it blew up and hurt more than avoiding you. So, please, let me forget about it."

Emily's frown falls and she's quiet. Nothing happens and they just stare at each other, until there's a knock on the door. Emily breaks their eye contact and opens the door. Paige inhales and starts throwing stuff into her bag again, wiping at the tears she couldn't stop.

"Hey, uhm, sorry if I'm interrupting anything, but can I have your blow dryer? The one in our room isn't working.", she hears Becky's voice say. Emily walks into the bathroom and returns a few seconds later, handing the blow dryer to Becky. "Here you go, just don't forget to bring it back.", Emily says with the brightest voice Paige has ever heard and she has to swallow more tears.

The door falls shut and the silence is back.

* * *

On their way home, Paige tries her best to fall asleep, but every time she closes her eyes she sees Emily naked, feels Emily's lips on her again and it's like someone punches her. She risked one glance to the back of the bus earlier, where Emily sits next to Becky, Morgan passed out on the seats in front of them. Emily was laughing and talking like nothing happened. Just like Paige wanted.

It felt worse than the punches.


	5. Chapter 5

Her dad is waiting for her, umbrella in one hand and she hurries to him through the rain as soon as she has her bag. She just wants to get away from here. Opening the trunk, she throws her bag inside and runs to the passenger door. "So, how was it?" her dad asks when she falls into the seat and she almost tells him everything.

Almost.

But then she remembers why she shouldn't, why she hasn't told him anything since 9th grade and she swallows her words, looking for new ones.

"Can we talk about this later? I don't want to tell it twice." He smiles at her and she can't even remember the last time he did that. "Of course we can." His voice is gentle as he puts his hand on her knee before starting the engine. Maybe he is a good dad, a great dad even, just not for her and her screwed up mind.

Forcing herself to smile, she has to fight her tears.

* * *

Her mom and her dad are smiling at her through out dinner and she stuffs food into her mouth, not because she's hungry, just to escape the conversation that is waiting.

When her plate is empty, she knows she has to face them and what happened. "Did you win?" She tries to smile. "Yeah. I broke the state record." Her dad's eyes fill with pride for a second and her mom squeezes her leg. "What about the team?"

The team. Emily.

"We got second place.", she presses out, her voice cracking. She gets a curious look from them and explains. "Morgan slipped."

"Well, second place is still impressive. Sounds like you had a good time." She looks at her plate and nods. She can't say anything.

* * *

After helping with the dishes she excused herself and went upstairs. Her parents said goodnight and that was it. They didn't ask any questions and she didn't know whether she should feel grateful or disappointed.

Now, she is lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling, her mind is still racing, making her head pound with thoughts of Emily and she just wants it to stop. She doesn't want to think about Emily, what she is doing right now or what she is feeling, but she does and she hates herself for it.

She wants to sleep, she wants to not feel at all, she wants her thoughts to stop and for a short moment she wants to wipe out again.

Her thoughts don't stop, neither do her feelings and she just stares at the ceiling, dreading the next day, until she falls into her dreams, filled with everything she doesn't want.

* * *

It takes her everything to get out of bed, into clothes and to school. Her mom came into her room twice to wake her and Paige almost told her she was sick.

She doesn't know why she didn't do it, because lying in bed seems better than walking around at school and seeing all those happy, perfect people. She is caught in her own head either way.

Making her way through the almost empty hallway to her last class of today, she starts walking faster, hoping that time will do the same. She rounds a corner and hits something, the books she had clutched in her hand falling to the floor. Her hand darts to her head, a different pain than the dull thud of last night shooting through it.

She crouches down to pick her books up and hears someone say "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention.", as hands scramble to help her.

It's Emily. Of all the people in this fucking school it had to be Emily she runs into. Their eyes meet and Emily stops her apology mid sentence. Time stops, her hand slips from her head and they stare.

Mere seconds later, Emily tears her eyes away and the world starts moving again. Emily hands her the books, their hands touching briefly and she can feel the tears welling up again when Emily gets up and leaves with a whispered "Sorry."

She can't breathe. She can't go to class. She can't do this.

Pushing herself up, she turns around, walks to her locker and stuffs the books inside. She slams it shut and leaves.

* * *

The wind is cold against her face, numbing it as she pedals through the streets and into the woods as fast as she can.

She has to get away, she needs to.

She pedals and pedals until her lungs hurt from the cold air and her legs are cramping. Slowing down, she lets herself drop to the ground, her chest heaving, her eyes burning and the sky above her turning gray.

Taking a deep breath, she buries her face in the crook of her arm and lets go. Her body starts shaking with sobs and she doesn't stop it. She cries about everything she was holding back, the thing with Alison, the cuts, the fear, _Emily_... everything she is and never wanted to be. Wrecked to shreds, lying on the leaf-covered ground, tears run down her face and, for the first time, she does nothing to stop them.

A few raindrops fall onto her face and chest as her sobbing fades into soft whimpering, the sun already setting, painting the sky red and orange. She crawls out from underneath her bike and leans against a tree, wiping her tears away.

She can't go on like this. It's all happened before, the hiding, the crying, the self-hate and she remembers where it lead to; a place she promised herself never to visit again.

Things needs to change.

The sound of a bike chain rattling shakes her out of her thoughts and she draws her knees to chest, hoping whoever is out there leaves her alone. The rain starts pouring, feet crush leaves, sticks and a bike falls to the ground and she knows that there's no way around this.

She tries to get rid of the tear tracks on her face, as the footsteps come closer, backing further into the tree, her eyes scanning the trees and bushes around her, a few sobs and whimpers still escaping her.

"Is somebody there?", a voice to her right asks. It's barely louder than the rain, but she could recognize that voice anywhere.

Emily.

Before she can even think of something to say or do, Emily ducks under some branches and stands in front of her, with wet hair, wet clothes and wide eyes. "I- I'm sorry. It's just... It's raining and I thought the tree... Forget it, I'll just go." Emily turns around to leave and Paige hears herself whisper "Stay.", her voice hoarse and shaky from crying. "What?" She clears her throat and looks at Emily. "It's pouring, you'll get sick. It's pretty dry here, so, stay."

And Emily does. She sits down next to Paige and they fall into an awkward silence, stealing glances and racing hearts. Her brain starts rattling again, looking for things to say, not sure what to make of this situation she brought herself into.

"How long have you been sitting here?" Emily sounds unsure, like she's scared and she doesn't get why. "I don't know." Emily just nods and they're quiet again, listening to the raindrops hitting the leaves and branches.

"I'm sorry, Emily." She feels like all of this has happened before.

"Me too." Scoffing, she turns to Emily. There's nothing Emily has done wrong, she did everything she asked her to. "I could've stopped you. But I didn't. I didn't want you to stop." She stares blankly at Emily, not having a clue where she is going with this.

"My point is; you're not the only one who messed up. You think you are, but I did just as much and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for leaving and I'm sorry for pushing you when you weren't ready."

She doesn't know what to say. Swallowing, she grabs a leaf and twirls it between her fingers.

Maybe Emily is right. Maybe not _everything_ is her fault. It doesn't matter; she still can't go on like this.

"Why does this keep happening? Why do we keep happening?" she breathes out, her eyes resting on the leaf in her hands. "I don't know. And I don't know if things like fate exist, but there's something that pushes us back together over and over again and we keep hurting each other."

She nods and throws the leaf away. "What are we gonna do?" She can see Emily shrug, picking up the leaf she just discarded. "The only thing I know is that I want us to work. To stop hurting each other." Finally, she looks at Emily, the rain around them still pouring. "We tried that already. It didn't work."

Meeting her gaze, Emily shivers, running one hand through her damp hair. "I know. And I'm still not ready to lie, but I want you. _Us_. I won't run this time. I'll be here for you, even if you're never going to be ready."

Her heart is beating louder than the rain and she has to swallow the lump in her throat again, looking down at her hands. "I think I'm ready. I want to, just... slowly." it's not more than a whisper, but when Emily takes her hand and squeezes, Paige knows she heard it.

"That's okay. I'll be there."

She exhales and leans her head against the tree, looking up. The rain has stopped, the clouds moved and the moon is shining through the branches.


	6. Chapter 6

They walk back, pushing their bikes through the night, until they are standing in front of Emily's house, not saying a word. It's silent and for today it's okay. They are okay. Sure, there are a lot of things they need to talk about, but for now, they are okay.

Paige turns to Emily and smiles, unsure of how to say good bye. They won't kiss. They probably won't even hug. They aren't dating. At least not yet, but the mere thought about the possibility of it happening in the future makes her heart race and her head spin, no matter how hard she fights it.

Emily takes her hand again and squeezes, catching her gaze and holding it. "Text me when you get home?" She nods and with one last squeeze, Emily lets go of her hand. "Okay. Bye, Paige." Her voice is soft and sincere and it makes her feel so much better. She whispers bye and swings herself onto her bike, glancing back at Emily to find her smiling.

She pedals slowly, because she closer she gets to home, the stronger her fear gets again and she remembers all the problems that are still there. By the time she is home, nothing of her excitement and hope is left, pushed away by all the doubt and fear.

Leaning her bike against the shed, she walks to the back door, hoping she can sneak in unnoticed and go to her room, where she can worry herself to sleep.

The kitchen is empty and no sounds come from the living room. A white note lies on the kitchen counter and she's already relieved before she reads it. ' _We're out til later tonight. Food is in the fridge. Mom & Dad._' is written on it in her dad's messy scribble. She crumbles it up, throwing it in the bin on her way out.

At least they left a note and food this time, even if she doesn't want to eat it.

Dragging herself up the stairs, she thinks about tomorrow, when they'll be back and she has to face them. How they won't know that she wasn't even home and how they won't notice anything at all.

They never do.

Reaching the top of the stairs, she pulls the phone out of her front pocket, texting Emily on her way to the bathroom. She takes off her clothes, puts her phone on a cupboard and steps into the shower to wash off the dirt and the cold.

Her skin is tingling and she lets the water run over her face, eyes closed. It's hard to believe all of this happened today. It's hard to believe any of it. But it happened. She was in the woods and Emily was there and things have to change. She feels the scars on her thighs again, reminding her why they have to and why they haven't at the same time.

But they will. She will.

Wrapping herself in a towel, she steps out of the shower and picks her clothes up to shake the dirt into the shower before throwing them in the hamper. A single leaf drifts to the floor, landing on her toes.

She takes it with her, pressing it between two books in her room. She doesn't know why, she just does.

Her pajamas and her bed are warm, and she can feel the exhaustion weighing her body down. Glancing at her phone, she sees a new text from Emily, and she uses all of her strength to press the button with her thumb. ' _Glad you're home safe. Can we talk tomorrow?_ ' Managing to type out an 'Okay. Night.', she feels torn. She's glad that Emily wants to do this, that she's there, but she is still scared. Scared to the point of wanting to curl up and disappear. What if her parents hate her? What if they throw her out? What if Emily leaves again?

The screen lights up with Emily's reply and the ' _Thank you. Sweet dreams :)_ ' makes her feel a little bit better. Staring at the message, picturing Emily's smile, she falls asleep, gripping her phone tightly.

* * *

Her mom woke her just before she left with the words "Paige, you have to wake up. Breakfast is ready, but I'm leaving now and your dad has already left." and just like she thought last night, no questions were asked and nothing changed.

Sitting in English class, she tries to focus on whatever book they are reading, but her mind keeps wandering back to Emily and her smile and her own parents and then the bell rings and she doesn't notice until everyone is packing their bags.

She hasn't seen Emily yet, and she's not sure if she wants to. She doesn't know what to say or do, but at the same time she needs to know she's still there, that she hasn't left.

Pushing her books into her locker, she takes a deep breath. The last time she did that she was crying, a complete mess. As scared as she is now, the hope that settled into her brain before she fell asleep makes everything better, easier, like she can actually handle her life and everything in it.

* * *

She sees Emily at lunch, across the entire room, sitting with her friends and she it feels like she can't breathe until Emily sees her, the quick smile she gets lifts all of the weight off of her chest and she smiles back.

Her phone vibrates and she almost drops it because she's too distracted. ' _Are you free tonight? :)_ '

Emily isn't leaving.

'Yes. My parents are out again. Come over around 8?' She looks up from her phone and searches for Emily's gaze. She finds it and gets a nod along with another smile that makes her happier than it should.

Maybe everything works out this time.

* * *

She keeps glancing at the clock. 7:57. It's around eight now, right? What if Emily doesn't come?

8:00.

What if all of her hopes were for nothing?

8:04.

What if everything was just a dream?

8:08.

What if everything was just a cruel trick her own brain played on her?

8:16.

Her thoughts run everywhere, in every direction possible until she's sure that Emily won't come, because why would she? There's nothing worth coming here. Nothing but a girl with too many problems and fears.

8:46.

The doorbell rings and she can't move. It rings again and her heart starts racing.

Her phone lights up and vibrates with a text from Emily. She opens it with trembling fingers. ' _I'm sorry for being so late. Please open the door._ '

She does.

She does and before she knows it she's hugging Emily, her hands grasping at Emily's jacket and she has to stop herself from crying. Emily hugs her back just as tight, holding her close until she's ready to let go.

"I thought you wouldn't come," she whispers into Emily's shoulder, so quiet that she isn't sure if she actually said it. "I'm so sorry."

It takes her more than a moment to let go again and Emily waits, one hand caressing her back. When she pulls back, her eyes meet Emily's, their faces almost touching and her heart starts hammering inside her chest. She catches herself staring at Emily lips that slowly move closer to her own, before they both shake out of it.

Emily clears her throat and Paige looks at the tips of her shoes, her face burning and her heartbeat sounding incredibly loud. They aren't there yet. She knows it and it pulls her down again, because maybe they'll never get there.

But then Emily grabs her hand and her hope is back.

* * *

"What did you wanna talk about?" she asks as they sit on her bed, Emily across from her, resting against the headboard. "I want to know how ready you are. If you really are ready and if you want my help. Because I want to help. I want to be here for you."

She swallows hard and studies the creases in her bed sheets, picking at non-existent lint. "I'm ready. I mean, I want to be, because I can't go on like this." Her voice is shaking, her heart about to burst out of her chest and she tries to keep the tears down.

"I can't. I keep pushing everyone away. I keep pushing _myself_ away. And I don't want that to happen." It's silent for a second and she can feel Emily shifting, scooting closer just a bit. "Don't want what to happen?" Emily asks and it sounds like she genuinely cares, like she wants to know.

"The self-hate. This gaping, dark hole that I'm trying not to fall into, because I know what it's like down there. I was there." She glances up and sees Emily's worried face. "You don't have to tell me. If you don't want to, I mean," Emily whispers, resting one hand on Paige's knee.

"I do. I want things to change. Maybe small changes are a start." Nodding, Emily mouths 'Okay' and draws circles on her knee cap with one finger.

Taking one last, shaky breath, Paige tells her everything.

She tells her about Alison, the letter, the blackmailing, her dad and the scars on her thighs. It seems surreal, she can hear herself talking, but she doesn't think about it. She just talks and looks at Emily, how her face changes from worry to concern to pain and back.

It's only when she runs out of words that she notices tears rolling down her own face. "I'm so sorry. I wish I had known. I never would have pushed you. I'm sorry." Paige shakes her head, wiping at the tears. "It wasn't your fault."

Shifting even closer, Emily tries to catch her gaze. "Still, I wish I had known. I didn't even notice when we-" She stops and Paige can see her eyes brimming with tears. "I'm sorry." They fall silent again and Emily looks away, bringing one hand up to her face, trying to dry her eyes.

"Are you feeling like that again? Is that what you were saying?" She nods, looking down at Emily's hand on her leg, because she doesn't know what else to do. "Please don't. Please. You're not alone. I promise."

She just nods again, not sure what it means, but she's glad that Emily is here and it makes her a little less scared. Covering Emily's hand with her own, she breathes out a 'Thank you.'


	7. Chapter 7

It becomes their thing. They meet and sit on her bed or Emily's bed or the window-seat and talk for hours. Paige still freaks out every time Emily is late, but it gets less and less because she always comes. Even after the mess with the bell tower and the police and Spencer's brother-in-law, she still comes.

She tells Emily about all the times she's tried to tell her parent and panicked, both back then and now. "Do it when you're ready." is what Emily answers. "But what if I do it at the wrong time?" she asks, because she thinks she's ready. "I didn't do it at the right time either. There isn't a right time. _You_ need to be ready. That's all that matters."

When she tries again the next day, she hears Emily's words, but doesn't get out a single word.

"What if I'll never be ready?" Emily takes her hands and squeezes them. "I'll still be here. I told you, I won't run." It gives her hope every time, her heart fluttering, her lips curling into a smile and she feels like she might be able to do it. She's going to be ready. She wants to be.

* * *

She's sitting in the living room with her parents, watching some stupid TV show she's not interested in and she nods along to them talking, thinking about Emily and the small, soft kiss that was pressed to her forehead last night. It was the first time there was more than hand holding and a hug, leaving Paige stunned and incredibly happy.

"Hey, that boy is good looking, isn't he Paige?" her mom's voice tears through her thoughts and she just nods without knowing which one she even meant. "He kind of looks like that guy you went on a date with... What was his name again? Sean?"

She nods again. "Yeah, Sean." Something bubbles up inside her, but she can't tell what it is. A mix between anger and sadness maybe. Whatever it is, it makes her shift uncomfortably and her jaw clenches when her mother goes on. "What happened to him? He was such a nice guy and his dad is the reverend. Why was there no second date?"

Shrugging, she tries to say something, but her dad starts talking and interrupting him is impossible. "Yes, Paige, why don't you go out with him again? He seems like the right guy for you. He is nice and a good, religious boy." He stops for a second and smiles at her. "He would be the perfect son-in-law." It makes her want to puke and scream and cry, but instead she just forgets to breathe, listening to her parents going about Sean and his parents. They look happy.

She listens until she can't take it anymore, her anger overthrowing her fear.

"I'm gay."

It's a whisper, just loud enough for her parents to stop. "What did you say?"

Her eyes start burning and she can't move, let alone speak, but she knows that she just said it. She can do it again. Hot tears roll down her cheeks and she takes a deep breath, her eyes wandering between her mom and her dad. "I'm gay."

They stare at her in shock, her mom tearing up and then her dad stands up and storms out of the room. She closes her eyes and winces when she hears a door slamming shut upstairs. She feels her mom's hand on her own and opens her eyes look at her through the tears.

"Are you sure?" is the only thing her mom asks and when she nods, arms wrap around her and she lets go of all the tears she's been holding back. "Okay. I love you, Paige." She tightens her grip on her mom's shirt and she feels safe and welcome in her embrace for the first time in years. They're both crying and it doesn't matter, because her mom loves her.

"Are you really fine with it?" she asks when they've both stopped crying and her mother's eyes fill with tears again. "I am. You're my daughter and I love you. I just wish you'd told me sooner." Paige sighs and wipes at her face before burying it in her mom's shoulder again. "Me too. But I was so scared. And dad..." she trails off, thinking about how he stormed out, his face blank except for the disappointment in his eyes.

A kiss is pressed into her hair, along with "He just needs some time. But I'll talk to him later, okay?" She nods again and hugs her mom even tighter.

* * *

Later, she's lying on her bed and tries ignore what her parents are screaming at each other down the hall, behind the closed door of her dad's office. She's texted Emily, but didn't say anything about what happened. She wants to tell her in person. It'd still be nice to get an answer, but she knows that Emily's friends need her sometimes not to mention that it's already late and she might be sleeping.

She knows and it still doesn't shut the small voice of doubt in her mind up.

The noise is gone and it's weirdly quiet, until her bedroom door opens and her dad sneaks inside. She scrambles to get into a sitting position, not quite sure what to think of this. Is he going to yell at her? Throw her out without saying anything? Her heart starts racing and she grips her phone firmly, watching as he slowly comes closer, sitting down on the edge of her bed.

"I'm sorry. I love you," he whispers, taking her hand between his big, rough ones, not looking up from them. She starts crying again, silent tears of relief, and her dad pulls her into a short hug, leaving with a kiss pressed into her hair.

She texts Emily again, buzzing with excitement. 'We need to talk asap. Text me back pls.', is what she wrote, but it's so late already, she's sure she won't get an answer and it doesn't really matter.

She did it. She came out and everything turned out fine. She doesn't have to worry about it anymore.

The sleep she falls into is deep and full of dreams about what is to come.

* * *

When she wakes up, she has a text from Emily, telling her to come over as soon as she can. She gets up and takes a shower before going downstairs to grab something to eat on her way. What she sees is not what she expected.

Her parents sit at the table, eating waffles silently, her dad reading the newspaper and her mom greeting her with a smile. "Good morning. Are you hungry?" She just nods and lets herself sink onto a chair, stunned into silence.

A plate full with food is pushed in front of her and she takes her fork, tentatively taking a bit of waffle into her mouth, eyeing both her parents. "What's this about?", she asks after she's swallowed her bite and her mom sighs, looking over to her dad.

"What do you mean?" He asks back from behind his paper and she sets her fork down. "We never eat breakfast together. We haven't since I got into seventh grade." She gets no further answer and feels the panic crawling up her back again. "Is this about last night?"

Her mom takes her hand, just like she did last night and Paige feels herself calm. "It kinda is. We just... we want to spend more time with you. Because we realized we don't do that enough." She swallows and scrunches her eyebrows together. It's weird, but there are worse things that could have happened. "Okay."

Her dad puts the paper away as she digs into her food again and they start talking about school and swimming and normal stuff. They're awkward and so not used to this, but they're trying and it feels good.

When she was scared about things changing, about her world changing, she didn't consider that it could change for the better.

* * *

Emily opens the door five seconds after she rings the bell, grinning widely and leading her upstairs, their hands tangled.

"Is your mom still in Texas?" Emily nods and smiles a little. "Yeah, she comes back tomorrow." Paige buries her hands in her back pockets and looks around the room that she knows as good as her own by now. "What did you want to talk about?"

She looks down and smiles, because she still can't believe it. "I came out." Looking up, she sees Emily's eyes widen and her mouth open. "What?" Her own smile grows and she's never been more proud, never felt lighter or happier. "I came out to my parents last night. And they were fine with it."

And then Emily is kissing her, soft and slow, cupping her face and she falls into it, her hands sneaking to Emily's waist, holding her close. She didn't think it was possible, but she's even happier now, Emily's lips sliding against her own and she knows what she has to do to keep it this way.

"Wait," she whispers, pulling back just a bit and Emily stops, pulling back to look at her with wide eyes full of something that she can't describe. Something between hurt, shock and confusion that makes her look so vulnerable, Paige can't stop herself from leaning in and kissing her again to calm them both.

"I said wait, not stop," she says after another kiss, leaning their foreheads against each other, closing her eyes. Hearing Emily's relieved sigh, she squeezes her waist and pulls her closer. "I just- I want to do it right." Emily strokes her thumb along her cheekbone, her breath tickling Paige's lips. "There is nothing wrong," she mumbles and Paige has to laugh. "That's not what I meant."

"Okay. Hurry up then. I've waited so long for this." She kisses Emily again, laughing lightly, before pulling back to look at her. "Will you go on a date with me?" Emily laughs into the next kiss, hands tangling in her hair, their lips warm and soft. "Of course I will," she whispers against her lips and Paige is sure.

Everything is going to work out this time.


	8. Chapter 8

They keep kissing, soft and slow, smiling, holding each other close. There's no pressure and Paige feels her stomach flip at every touch. She is happy and her fear is gone. She came out and now she is kissing Emily and Emily is kissing her back and if she'd known that it is this easy to be happy, she would have done it sooner.

Just as she is moving in for another kiss, a phone beeps and Emily tenses against her. "What's wrong?" Emily's smile is small and looks wrong, her eyes full of worry and something Paige can't put her finger on. "Nothing," Emily breathes out and leans in until their lips touch, but when the shrill sound of the phone rings again, Paige feels her tensing again just before she pulls back.

"I'm sorry, I should really get that," Emily mumbles and she nods, kissing her once more before letting go. She stands there awkwardly, not quite sure of what to do except for looking at Emily as she grabs her phone and checks her messages. Emily's face drops for a second and she turns to Paige, biting the inside of her lip. "Paige, I am really sorry, but I have to go."

"Oh... okay. Has something happened?" Emily looks at her and shrugs. "I don't know. Spencer sent an SOS message. That's all I know." She looks down, because even though she knows how important Emily's friends are to her and that there is a lot going on for them, she can't help but feel disappointed. She was hoping to spend the entire day with Emily, make up for lost time and just _be_.

Emily's hands slide into hers and squeeze, tugging her closer. "I'm so sorry. I wish I could stay." She looks up again and nods. "Yeah, me too."

Meeting her gaze, Emily leans in and kisses her. It's different than the ones before, softer but desperate, lingering but not lasting long enough. They break apart but stay close, Emily's forehead resting against Paige's. "I'll make it up to you, I promise." The butterflies in her stomach push the disappointment away and she has to smile. "I'll hold you to that." Emily lets out a small laugh and kisses her forehead before pulling away, leading her downstairs and outside where they part with another kiss.

* * *

Paige falls into her bed, and smiles into her pillow. After a run and swimming a few lanes and then dinner with her parents, she is tired but happy. Happier than she has ever been. Her phone vibrates and she can't get it out of her pocket fast enough.

' _Hey, sorry again. I hope you still want to take me on a date ;) - Em'_

She didn't know it was possible, but her smile grows even bigger and she feels like she is going to burst with happiness, because there just is no place for it to go. ' _It's okay, I get it. Is everything okay? Of course I still want to :)'_

Emily wants to go out with her. Emily kissed her. She is _happy_. It all seems so hard to grasp and so unreal and she is glad when her phone lights up again.

_'Yeah, everything's okay. Good, I'm glad :) See you tomorrow and sweet dreams xx - Em'_

It's like when you pinch yourself to make sure you aren't dreaming, only better, because it's Emily texting her kisses and saying good night.

_'Yes, see you then. Good night :) x'_

She puts her phone away and falls into a sound sleep, her dreams filled with Emily and her kisses.

* * *

She sees Emily in front of the lockers and walks a bit faster, only to slow down when she reaches her. Her heart starts racing and her hand trembles when she taps Emily's shoulder. She turns around and breaks out into a huge smile that quickly shrinks down to a small grin. "Hey." Emily's voice is soft and barely audible. "Hi." Closing her locker, Emily turns towards her. "How are you?" She almost has to laugh. "Fine. You?" Paige reaches out and trails her hand down Emily's arm until she reaches the hand and intertwines their fingers. She watches Emily's gaze resting on their hands and her smile growing again. "I'm great."

Stepping closer, she mumbles "Good, I'm glad." before leaning in to kiss Emily quickly. She doesn't care who sees. She is out and she is happy.

When she pulls back, Emily looks at her with wide eyes, her smile growing even bigger. She steals another soft kiss and squeezes Emily's hand. "I gotta get to class." Emily nods. "Yeah, me too. See you at lunch?" She smiles and slowly lets her hand drop from Emily's. "Yes, see you at lunch."

She doesn't know what she expected, but in school it's like nothing has changed. Nobody says anything when she kisses Emily at lunch, nobody looks at them weird when they walk to class hand in hand and the team doesn't say anything either. It's so easy and she never thought it would be.

The date is perfect. She takes Emily out for dinner and they talk and laugh and eat, their knees touching under the table. She pays, because that's how it's a date and Emily rolls her eyes with a smile. It's cold outside when she walks Emily home, pressed tightly against her, their hands swinging between them.

Stopping in front of Hanna's house, because that's where Emily is staying now, she tries to take it all in. The way Emily looks in the dim glow of the streetlights, how Emily's hand feels in her own and how _she_ feels. Emily smiles at her and lets go of her hand, only to sneak them around her waist, pulling her close.

Emily's lips are soft, even as they press hard against her own. She kisses her back just as hard, her tongue sneaking out and she wants to pull Emily even closer. "What was that for?" she asks after Emily pulls away again. "I wanted to. No other reason." She smiles and leans in for another kiss, long and slow, one that makes her feel warm and want even more of Emily.

"I'd ask you to come inside, but Hanna's mom..." Emily trails off when they stop kissing. "Yeah, I understand. We'll just... take things slow. I don't want to ruin this." Her own voice is small and she's looking at her feet. "You won't. We'll do everything when it's the right time, okay?" She looks at Emily and nods, even if she doesn't really know when the right time will be and if it's ever going to be the right time.

But then Emily kisses her again and she thinks that maybe everything is easier than it seems.

* * *

They go out on a few more dates that always end with a good night kiss in front of doors or inside cars. Until Paige's parents are out of town for the weekend and Emily tells Hanna's mom that she needs a break from Hanna and her mess and that she'll stay at Spencer's, just for two nights.

She is nervous. She is nervous and she doesn't even get why. She just knows that her heart is beating fast and that her breath stops for a second when the door bell rings.

They go out for dinner and a movie and everything is like it always is, except they know it's not. She can't help but sneak glances at Emily and when the movie is over she doesn't even remember what it was about.

"You want to go inside?" she asks, playing with the keys in her hand. Emily laughs lightly and takes her hand. "Yeah. I would love to." She feels relieved, even if she already knew that Emily was staying.

It's the first time that Emily has been in her room, but she doesn't seem to care. Her eyes rest on Paige, a light smile tugging at her lips and Paige can feel the blush rising up her cheeks, so she looks down trying to hide it.

Emily's hand grazes her neck and cheek and she has to look up at Emily's face. "Hey." She smiles back. "Hi." They start kissing, soft hands and soft lips, slowly settling onto the bed, Emily straddling her.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

They seal it with a kiss that doesn't stop.

Her hands don't tremble when she unbuttons Emily's shirt and slides it off, because it's the right time. She knows it is. Her kisses make their way to Emily's chest, stopping above her bra just to return to her lips again. It feels entirely different than in Pittsburgh. Slow and soft, like they have all the time in the world, and she feels safe, because she knows Emily won't leave or stop.

Emily kisses her neck and pulls her shirt up and over her head, stopping to look at her for a moment before kissing her mouth as she undoes Paige's pants. Dragging her lips over her neck, her shoulder, her breasts and her stomach, Emily pulls the fabric down Paige's legs. She reaches Paige's thighs and stays there, running her fingers over the scars. She can feel her heart racing at the touch and her stomach tightens. Emily looks at her, then leans down to kiss each scar gently and Paige can't stop the moan leaving her mouth.

Reaching for Emily's hand, she tugs her up again. She needs to kiss her. She needs to hold her. Her hands gripping Emily's waist, pulling her close, feeling Emily's ragged breath as she grinds against her.

She fumbles with Emily's bra a bit before it finally opens and the straps slide down Emily's shoulders. Her hand travels up to the now bare skin, grazing over it and Emily gasps into their kiss, pushing down a bit harder.

Emily somehow wriggles out of her pants, opens Paige's bra smoothly and starts tugging on Paige's panties. Lifting her hips to help Emily, she bites her lip and grasps the sheets to keep herself from squirming too much.

Crawling on top of her again, the kisses kisses Emily leaves on her way up are lingering and hot, and Paige's hands tangle in Emily's hair instead of the sheets now. When she reaches her face, Emily looks at her again and smiles.

"I love you," she whispers, kissing her again. Paige tries to answer, but Emily's hand slides from her hip to the inside of her thigh and further up, making her breath hitch and moans tumble out of her mouth.

A finger slips inside her and she grabs Emily's ass, moving against her in the rhythm they are building. Somewhere between her moans and gasps, she whispers "Em." and Emily kisses her harder, adding another finger.

Her grip on Emily tightens, as does the rest of her body and when Emily grinds down she is gone, shaking as she lets go of everything except Emily. She feels Emily's movements slow down and soft lips pressing gently against her face, neck and chest. Her eyes open slowly and Emily is smiling at her, leaning down for a kiss, pulling her hand up Paige's body to hold her.

When her heart stops racing and her breathing calms, her hands pull at Emily's panties. She wants Emily to feel what she just felt. The panties are finally off and she touches the skin of Emily's thigh, soft and warm, gasps reaching her ears.

She rolls them over, settling on top of Emily, where it's easier to kiss and touch her at the same time. She kisses her, moving to her ear and she stays there, whispering "I love you.", pressing her hand up and sliding two fingers into her.

Emily moans her name, raking her nails over Paige's back, arching into her. She starts to move slow and steady, speeding up slightly when Emily's breathing becomes shallow. Kissing Emily's neck and her chest, she can feel that Emily is almost there, her hips bucking fast and her back arching into her. She uses her thumb to give Emily that last push and pulls back to look at her.

Fingernails dig into her skin and Emily shudders and shakes, her mouth open, filling the air with soft moans. She brings her down with slow movements, trying to make it last as long as possible.

When Emily stops trembling, she slowly pulls her fingers out, resting her hand on Emily's ribs and kisses her, putting all of her happiness into it, so Emily feels it. She pulls away and falls down next to her, looking at Emily's face that's filled with a loving, happy smile.

Reaching for the covers, she tucks them both in, pressing a kiss against Emily's forehead.

She watches as Emily falls asleep in her arms, a smile still tugging at her lips and she thinks that maybe some things are easy for her. Maybe some things work out.

And maybe this is what was supposed to happen all along.


End file.
